Anything Not Linked With Aadhar Is Getting Blocked...!!!

Best one heard today....

Guy : What happened?

Girl : My nose is blocked.

Guy : Did you link it with Aadhar?

Girl : No

Guy : That's why. Anything not linked with Aadhar is getting blocked..!!!



...................................................

Tom was invited to his friends house for dinner. He found that his buddy

Call His Wife Every Cute Name

Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy

called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart,

pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, I

think it is nice you still call your wife all those pet names. To tell you the

truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."


................................................

Even Gods Need Protection

Wife to hubby : Darling, in picture of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a trishool

In picture of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has chakra in hand and

picture of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand.

But in case Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand.

Why is this?

Hubby : You see dear the three gods whom you mentioned first are with wives.

That is why they have weapons...!!

Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required.

This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even gods need protection.

............................................................

Stomach Is Getting Bigger

Wife : Honey, my stomach is getting bigger, i think i am pregnant.

Husband : Yeah, i know who the daddies are....

Wife : Who?

Husband :Mc Donalds, KFC, Subway, Dominos.


....................................

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the old people's home

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the old people's home

one day when Tim turned to the other and said. John I'm really

feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?"

John replied "I feel just like a new born baby"

Tim looked at him startled "A new born baby, really?"

"Yep,I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


...............................................

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife along

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife along.

When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,

I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells:


"What?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


.........................................

What is Valentines Day

What is Valentines day?

Don't get married, everyday is Independence Day.

Marry the wrong person, everyday is Ching Mings Day.

Marry a lazy guy, everyday is Labour Day.

Marry a rich fellow, everyday is Chinese New year.

You married a childish guy, everyday would seem like Children's Day.

Marry a cheater or liar, everyday will become April Fool's Day.

If you marry the right person, everyday is Valentines Day.


................................................

Have a Good Day Sir

A senior citizen dove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100mph, looking in his view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, he floored it to 140, then 150, then 170.

Suddenly he thought, " I'm too old for this nonsense". So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and i'm taking off for the weekend. "If you give me a good reason that i have never heard before for why you are speeding". I will let you go".

The man looked very seriously at teh police man and replied: Years ago, my wife run off with a policeman, I thought you are bringing her back!!!

The cop left saying, "Have a Good Day Sir".


.............................................

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of

Juan Gonez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'


.....................................................

Crazy Prescription

Doctor to Patient : What's your problem?

Patient : I am feeling sleepy every time and tending to sleep more

Doctor : Which mobile you are using?

Patient : Nokia 1100

Doctor : Ok. I will write a prescription for Smart phone and use Jio sim in it and install whatsapp & Facebook.

You will be alright in a week....!!!



........................................

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?

Me : Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel?

(Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK. OK. A vowel is... ahh... eh... well, oh... uh...

Me: Close enough.



.........................................................

I Was In The Restaurant Yesterday When I Suddenly Realized

I Was In The Restaurant

Yesterday When I Suddenly Realized,

I Desperately Needed To Pass Gas.

The Music Was Really, Really Loud,

So I I Timed My Gas With The Beat Of The Music.

After A Couple Of Songs, I Started To Feel Better.

I Finished My Coffee, And Noticed That Everybody Was

Staring At Me. Then I Suddenly Remembered That I Was

Listening To My iPod....



.........................................................................................................

Never Loose Confident Boy

Never Loose Confident Boy Can There Be Anything Worse than Losing A Girlfriend ?

Old Man Replied :- Yes... . . . . .

Losing Your Confidence of Finding Another One!

Wife vs Thief

Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card at that time?

Husband: The Thief was spending less than my wife.

Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the Thief's wife has started using it!














............................................................

Killing reply to Husband...

Wife: Can u help me in the gardening ?

Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener ?

Wife: Can u fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbor.
But he gave me 2 options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds ?!!

..................................................

No One Can Beat Indian's Talent

An Indian Doctor can't find a job in USA..
So he opens a clinic and puts a sign
GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: I have lost my sense of taste.
Doctor : Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.
Lawyer: Ugh..this is kerosene.
Doctor : Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.
Doctor : Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.
Lawyer(Annoyed): This is kerosene. Last time U gave me for restoring my taste.
Doctor : Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.
Doctor : Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.
Lawyer: (staring at the note)* : "But this is $20, not $100.
Doctor : Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.

*You can't beat Indians* !!!!!



.................................................................

Difference between 2*3 and 3*2

Boy: I got an F in Arithmetic.

Dad: Why ?

Boy: The Teacher asked 'How much is 2 * 3' ?

and I said it is '6'.

Dad: But that's right only na..

Boy: Then she asked me 'How much is 3 * 2' ?

Dad: What's the XXXXX difference ?

Boy: That's exactly what I said!


.......................................................................

Teacher and Boy conversation

Teacher : what is your parents name??

Boy: my dad's name is laughing and my mom's name is smiling.

Teacher: you must be kidding.

Boy: Nope, I am joking

.................................

Somebody kills nobody

There are five friends named*

*Somebody*, *nobody,* *mad, stupid and fool*

*Somebody and nobody were fighting*

*Somebody killed nobody*

*Mad quickly called the police*

*Mad: Hello sir*

*Police: can we help you*

*Mad: yes somebody just killed nobody*

*Police: are u stupid!!*

*Mad: no, stupid is in the bathroom bathing*

*Police: are u mad!!!*

*Mad: yes am mad*

*Police: you must be a fool!!!*

*Mad: no, fool is the one reading this comment*

*Am sorry but I was also a victim....



.................................................

A child asked his father - How were people born?

A child asked his father,

How were people born?

So his father said,

Adam and Eve made babies,

then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question

and she told him, We were monkeys

then we evolved to become like we are now.

The child ran back to his father and said,

You lied to me! His father replied, No,

your mom was talking about her side of the family.


.........................................

Little Johnny asks his father

Little Johnny asks his father:

"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.


...............................................

A boy is selling fish on a corner

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention,

he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale!

Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks,

"Why are you calling them 'dam fish."

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam.
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife,

and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know

it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner
table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the donkey potatoes!"



.......................................

My manager started like this "Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids

"My manager started like this "Hi, I am Madhu,

Married with two kids" "Will you hang that calendar or

else I'll HANG MYSELF" "LIBRARIAN SCOLDS,

"IF YOU WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

"Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter".


"Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father".

"Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when

I am in the class?!" "Lab assistant said this when my

friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand.

Computer how understand?? "Seeing the principal passing by,

the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet,

the principal has passed away". Once Teacher Told

"If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand Uping you"

Teacher to students: Don't spit outside,

the understanding people will suffer.


................................

Beggar: Sir please give me Rs. 10 For coffee

Beggar : Sir please give me rs. 10 For coffee.

Man : Coffee?

Its rs. 5 only.

Beggar : 1 for my girlfriend!

Man : Wow! you too made a girlfriend?

Beggar : No sir, girlfriend made me a beggar.



.........................................

Wife vs Husband

Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.

Husband: Thanks, dear, but the audience was full of fools and idiots.

Wife: Hmm...so, that explains why you addressed them as

BROTHERS and SISTERS.

..................................

Need a Help

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.


.....................................

In college days.. She came into my life ..

In college days..

She came into my life ..

I kept looking at her.

She smiled..,

Yet I kept quiet..

She began 2 speak..,

I dint listen - And

when she began 2 leave..

I started running behind her requesting . . . .

Mam' mam' mam attendance!



..............................................

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!


................................................

Medical & Engineering College Principals

Students Guts Medical & Engineering College Principals argued that their students are fearless.

Medical college Principal called the students & asked to jump in a sea full of sharks.

They Jumped..

Principal said: "See the guts"

Engineering College Principal called the students & told them to jump.

They said "Pagal hai kya Takle?"

Principal said: "See the guts"

..............................

Class teacher once said:Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin

"Class teacher once said:"Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!"

DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

Don't.. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down

It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered..

She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then

she said - why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

Teacher in a furious mood... write down your name and father of your name

Shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college

I have 3 daughters, all are girls" "This is what my manager said,

Peoples, please sit down and take your seats

I was once living very actively

I was once living very actively - playing football, tennis, participating into car races.

Sometimes I would play poker and pool.

But later somebody stole my PC and that was it..


.........................

After getting the friend request on Facebook from an unknown Guy

After getting the friend request on Facebook from an unknown Guy.

Girl: Hey do I know You??

Boy : Of course no!!!

Girl: Then Why did you send me a request?

(Awesome Reply from the Guy) Boy : Well, Facebook suggests me to add You again and again... And I dont want to "HURT" Facebook..!!


..................................

Types Of Girls

Types Of Girls

There are basically 7 TYPES OF GIRLS...

1. HARD DISK Girls: Remember everything forever.

2. RAM Girls: Forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

3. SCREEN SAVER Girls: Just for looking.

4. INTERNET Girls: Difficult to access.

5. SERVER Girls: Always busy when needed.

6. MULTIMEDIA Girls: Makes horrible things looks beautiful.

7. VIRUS Girls : These type of girls are normally called 'WIFE' once enters in your system don't leave even after format.



......................................

Boyfriend : Last night I had a dream of you

Boyfriend : Last night I had a dream of you.

Girlfriend (got excited): "Maine kya kiya tumhare sapne mein aa key.

Boyfriend replied : "We were traveling in bus, Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river. . Everyone swam to save their life, but you were still swimming and searching for someone. .

Girlfriend (with luv):I was searching for you, na.

Boyfriend said: NO, You were shouting, . . oye, Where is conductor, He will give me 2 rupees

...........................................

Letter To Dad

A student wrote a letter to his father

from hostel:

Dear dad'! No money,No fun.

Your son!

His father replied: Dear son!
So sad,Very bad

Your dad!


.................................

New Year Gift

Hari was taking an afternoon sleep on New Years Eve prior to celebrations.

When she woke up, she said krishna, her husband, that dear, I dreamt that you have gifted me a diamond ring as a New year present. What does it all means?

Krishna simply smiled and answered wait dear, you will come to know tonight.

At midnight, when the New Year was chiming,

Krishna gifted her with a small package.

Hari excitedly opened the package quickly and she found a book named Dreams and the meaning of dreams!!

.................................................

Have a Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

.............................

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


.....................................

James Bond and a Telugu guy fly to New york

James Bond and a Telugu guy fly to New york in a flight.

Telugu guy takes the initiative to converse with James Bond.

Telugu guy asks the name of Bond.

Bond says: Bond! James Bond! James Bond 007!

And Bond asks Telugu Guy's name.

Telgu Guy replies: Prasad! Venkat Prasad! Veera Venkat Prasad! Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Venkateshwara Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Srinivasukala Venkateshwara Srilakshmi ! Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Sita Ramanjaneyula Srinivasula Venkateshwara Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad!

.........................

Pappu Married Life...

Ramu met his newly married Friend Pappu

Ramu: How's Your Married Life

Pappu: Not Good Yaar

Ramu: Why, What Happen?

Pappu: You Know, What's My Wife Name?

Ramu: I Don't Know...

Pappu: Her Name is "Google"

Ramu: What Kind of Name is That?

Pappu: Wherever I Am, She Find Me.

.....................

I Will Never Trust A Girl

Ramesh: I will never trust any girl as of now. All are liars.
Suresh: What happened bro? Your Girlfriend did anything.

Ramesh: Don't take her name. I don't wanna see her face ever again.
Suresh: Why? You saw her with another guy?

Ramesh: No bro!
Suresh: Then What?

Ramesh: She caught me with my 2nd Girlfriend, whereas she has told me yesterday, she was going out of city. "SUCH A LIER".

..........................

Different Tastes at Different Age Groups for Men and Women

Women are so difficult... Always changing their taste....
At 18, They want Handsome Men.
At 25, They want Matured Men.
At 30, They want Successful Men.
At 40, They want Established Men.
At 50, They want Faithful Men.

Men are very simple... They never change their taste...
At 18, They want pretty young Girls.
At 25, They want pretty young Girls,
At 30, They want pretty young Girls,
At 40, They want pretty young Girls.
At 50, They still want pretty young Girls

.............................

Courageous Hunter

Somu: I'm gonna go hunting dude!

Ramu: What are you gonna hunt?
Somu: Lions!

Ramu: Woah dude! awesome! stay safe.
Somu: Ok man thanks!

Ramu: Dude, how was the hunting trip?
Somu: I didn't go man!

Ramu: Why? what happened?
Somu: There was a Dog standing outside my Gate.



...................

Difference Between Love Marriage & Arranged Marriage

Arrange Marriage:
    "While you are walking, unfortunately a snakes bites you"

Love Marriage:
     Dancing in front of Cobra and singing "Wanna be my chammak challo"


...................

Funny Discussion Between Young Couple

Husband 2 Wife: " Did You have any boyfriend before marriage ??"

Wife: Remains silent

Husband: What I think about this silent ??

Wife: Abbe wait I am Counting



...........................

Best Day To Propose A Girl

Hey You Know Which is the best day to propose a girl.. It is April 1

And You Know Why??

If she accept its your luck otherwise just tell her April Foooooll.


............................

Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.


...........................

Ken prays the god

One day, Ken went to church to pray.

God appeared and asked "Ken what do you wish for"?

Ken replied "God, please I want to drive a big car with plenty of girls in it"

God exclaimed. "Amen, may your wish be done"

Currently, Ken is now a bus driver at ABURI Girls secondary School.

Next time pray well. ...


............

Pappu Vs YamRaj

Yamraj to Pappu: "Tumhari koi aakhri khwaish hai !!"

Pappu: "I want to see Manmohan Singh speaking with Salman Khan's wife at Rahul Gandhi's wedding"

Yamraj died..,


...................

Are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," the boy says.

"There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.


..................

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None,

the car is already full of gorillas.


............................

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, Why do you ask me that Is it just because I am Chinese?

No it's because you're drinking MY beer!


..............................

Judge: Why did you steal the car?

Judge: Why did you steal the car?

 Man: I had to get to work.

Judge: Why didn't you take the bus?

 Man: I don't have a drivers license for the bus.

.............................

Killing reply to WIfe....

Wife        : Jaanu, Kya..mein tumhare dreams me aati hun?

Husband : Nahi yar...

Wife        : Kyon....?

Husband : Mein Hanuman Chalisa padkar sotha hun....



......................

Never Joke on MPC students, they can do anything

Question: Prove that PAPA = MAMA

Medical Doctor: Not Possible
Accountant: No way
Barrister: Cannot be proved
Social science students: Not in this world,
but....

Mpc student: It is simple solution

As we know,
Pressure(P)= Force/Area
i.e P = F/A
then F = PA....(1)

Now according to Newtons 2nd law of motion,
Force(F)= Mass(M) * Acceleration(A)
i.e F = MA...(2)

From equation (1) and (2)
PA = MA
Squaring both side (PA)2 = (MA)2
PAPA = MAMA
Hence proved

Don't challenge Mpc students they can do anything....


...............................

Women will be women

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"

God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital

& have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,

"You said I had another 34 years to live.

Why didn't you save me from the truck?"


..

..



..



..


God replied: "I couldn't recognize you!"

.............................

Credit card call

Call from a bank: .



" Hello Mrs Khanna Mam ".

We are offering you credit card with best deals!!!.

1. No annual charges

2. No interest on balance for three months

3. Big credit limit

4. No penalties for over spending.



Smart reply by the lady..

" No thanks ".

I have a husband-

1. With lifetime zero fee

2. No spending limit

3. No penalties and most importantly

4. No repayment forever.



Line cut without a word!!


.........................................................

A wife said to her husband

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you.

And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.


..................................

Class Room is Like a Train

Class Room is Like a Train ... . . . . . . .

1st Two Benches r Reserved For VIP ....

Next Two Benches r General coach . . .

Then . Last Two Benches r Very Demanded. . . . . .

Bcz Its.."SLEEPER COACH"


........................................

Joke By Manager Of An IT Company

Manager told a joke. Everyone in the Team laughed except one guy...

Manager asks him: " Didn't you understand my Joke????"

The Guy replied : I resigned yesterday




...............................

A Cute Exercise Of Family Members

Teacher : Why are you late?

Student : Mom & Dad were fighting

Teacher : So what makes you late if they were fighting

Student : One Shoe was in Mom's Hand and Other one was in Dad's Hand





...............................

Parent's Slapping Response To Teacher's Letter

A Letter from a Teacher to A Parent:
     Dear Parent, Kumar doesn't smell nice in class. Please try to bath him.

Parent's Answer:
     Dear Teacher, Kumar is not a Rose, Don't smell him.. just Teach him....






...............................

Shocking reply to Mother...

Mother: Who is Aziz Sultan?
Son: I Don't Know?
Mother: Sometime give attention to Studies also..

Son: Do you know Chinky Aunty?
Mother: I Don't know?
Son: Sometimes give attention to Dad also...






...............................

Excellent Reply To Girlfriend

Girl : Honey, where did u buy this iPhone... its beautiful??

Boy : I didn't buy this one.. I just got it

Girl : From where??

Boy : On a Race and I'm the first to got it

Girl : Between whom?? and what is the no. of racers??

Boy : Its just 3....A Police, Phone owner and Me






...............................

Boys With True Heart

Boy to Girl before exam: All the best

Girl: All the best to you too

But girl scored 80% marks and boy failed

Moral: Only boys wish with true heart






...............................

Don't get up early in the morning..

One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning.

There was not enough sun light to get into the sea.

He saw a pack of stones...

To pass time he started throwing the stone into the sea.

While having the last stone in the hand, The sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond.

he left for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea.

Moral of the story: Don't get up early in the morning.....!





...............................................................

Flying PIG

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.Flying Pig

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!




....................................

How fast you can guess these words?

How fast you can guess these words?

1) BOO_S

2) _ _ NDOM

3) F _ _ K

4) P_N_S

5) PU_S_S

6) S_X



Answers:

1) Books

2) Random

3) Fork

4) Pants

5) Pulse

6) Six

You got all 6 wrong!!! didn't you?....

May God excuse you for your dirty mind...




...........................................................................................

Daddy, I fell in love...

SON: Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!

FATHER : That's great son. Who is she?

SON : It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter

FATHER : Ohhh! I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

SON: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

FATHER: That's great son. Who is she?

SON: It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter.

FATHER: Ohhhh! I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother

SON: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but, I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and said:
My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He isn't your father.


....................................................................

Son's Logical Reply to His Dad

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"


........................................................

Funny Reply To Teacher

Teacher asked me which one is heavier - 1 Kg of Iron Ball or 1 Kg of Cotton Ball.

I told him Iron Ball is heavier .

But He didn't agreed and told me both have same weight.

So, I told him to hit me with 1 Kg of Cotton Ball and I will hit him with 1 Kg of Iron Ball . If both weights equal both will hurt equal .

Teacher left the job


.........................

Tit for Tat 2

Gajodar's Train Journey

TTE: Ticket please!
Gajodar: I don't have.

TTE : Where do you want to go?
Gajodar: Lord Ram's birth place, Ayodhya!.

TTE : Come, let's go?
Gajodar: Where?
TTE : Lord Krishna's birth place, Jail!.



......................

Are they that much pretty?

Boy: Hey...Your Teeth are like the Stars!!

Girl: Awww... Thanx..Are they that much pretty?

Boy: Nooooo... They are far away from each other...




.....................................................

Honey, can you do a favor for me

Wife: Honey, can you do a favor for me ?

Husband: Sure, anything for you my love.

Wife: Can you kill a lion for me?

Husband: Are you mad? To kill a lion for you? Request something else.

Wife: Ok then, can I go through your whatsapp?

Husband: Where is the lion you want me to kill?





........................................................................

Woman Can Break Any Kind Of Relationship

Do You Know The Relation Between Two Eyes?

They Never See Each Other.

But

1. They Blink Together.

2. They Move Together.

3. They Cry Together.

4. They See Together.

5. They Sleep Together.

They Share A Very Deep Bonded Relationship.

However, When They See A Woman, One Will Blink And Another Will Not.

Moral Of The Story: ¿Woman Can Break Any Kind Of Relationship.¿


..............................

Classroom Joke

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.



.......................

Excellent Interview By A Student

Interviewer: What's your email ID?

Candidate: Sir it is abc@xyz.com

Interviewer: Password?

Candidate: 12345678

Interviewer: You shared such a confidential information so easily for the job. How can we trust that you will not share any confidential information of the company for some better offers?

Candidate: Sir, I might have shared my password with you but I don't think you can still login to my email account. Let's look for the possibilities. My password can be

   12345678
   Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight
   1twothreefourfivesixseveneight
   1twothreefourfivesixseven8
   2444666668888888 (read like one 2, three 4...)
   13355557777778 (1, two 3, four 5..., 8)....
..................... and so on....Combination of all of these...

By the way, did I mention use of capitals?

Finally that candidate was offered with the position as " HR Manager"


...........................

Will You remarry again?.

Husband: if i die will you remarry?

Wife: no I will stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?

Husband: no I will also stay with your sister.

Men will be men..




...............................

Joke On Comparison Of Cards

Debit Card : Its like Friendship...
  Advise to make adjustments in the Life.

Credit Card : Its like Girlfriend....
  Urge to spend more than our capability.

PAN Card : Its like Wife...
  Wants to Know Every Single Rupee of our Earnings...

...........................................

Best Explanation of GST

What is GST?

Earlier you had many "Girl friends, Friends, Half friends" Like " VAT/Service Tax/ Excise Tax etc"

Now Only one - "WIFE"

Remember all day
Report everything you do
Report every details in time.




....................

When Husband comes home drunk...

Husband comes home drunk.
To avoid wife's scolding, he takes a laptop and starts working.*

Wife: "Did u drink?"

Husband: "Noo!"

Wife: "Then Why are you typing on the Suitcase?"




....................

Innocent Husband And A Lawyer

Husband: Dear Lawyer, I want Divorce. My Wife has not spoken to me for 6 Months.

Lawyer : Think about it once again. Wives like that are too hard to get..




....................

Hillarious Lines by Son

Kid failed in the Exam

Father: Aaj se mujhe papa mat kehena....

Son: Ohh, come on dad, it was...just "School test" not a "DNA test"





.....................

Can you call my Boyfriend inside?

A Girl went to a Doctor

Girl: Can you call my Boyfriend inside?

Doctor: You don't need to be afraid, I am a decent man

Girl: No, actually your beautiful Nurse is standing outside and my Boyfriend is not decent, he is a Jaffa




.....................

Lovely Wife...

Wife buys 10 underwears of same color for hubby....

Hubby: Why same color sweetheart....People will think that I never change my underwear.

Wife: Which people??

Hubby remains Silent


.....................

Hey Man... Did you shake it?

A mad man saw his friend crying by a river side.

He sat down beside him and asked: "why are u crying?"

The other one answered: " I put a cube of sugar in this river, but when I tasted, I felt nothing. It's not sweet!"

The mad man blew up with laughter and said: " You, You are very mad! Did you shake it???"





.....................

Girl With Anxiety

Boy: Babe, I want to show you something...
Girl: Wow...what is it, darling?

Boy: But, can I show you this in your room?
Girl: Okay

Boy: Can we close the door?
Girl: mmm, okay

Boy: Can we close the window?
Girl: Very well... (grasping)

Boy: Can we turn off the light?
Girl: Yes (even grasping)

Boy: Grab my hand
Girl: (Grabs his hand) what is it honey?

Boy: Look at this... My watch can glow in the dark also





.....................

Marriage Invitation

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...

1. Bride relatives
2. Groom relatives

He entered the groom door and found two doors again.

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered men door and found two doors again.

1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts

He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel





.......................

Naughty Husband

A Young Couple Going to Attend A Function...

Wife: Wait for me honey, I'm just finishing my makeup.

Husband: You don't need makeup dear.

Wife: Oh, Its really? That is so sweet of you!

Husband: Just you need plastic surgery.





.......................

Wife Can Easily Escape

Wife calls her husband and says, "Darling, the car is broken, it won't start."

Husband: "What?! It's in perfect order, what's wrong with it?"

Wife: "It's water in the carburetor, love."

Husband: "Oh no, where are you right now?"

Wife: "Um, in the little lake behind the house...."




.......................

Son Reveals His Father's Secret

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly yesterday night."

"Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out."

"Aha, I know why it isn't working then - the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again."



.......................

How To Install Husband

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy :-

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0!

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1

What can I do?
Rgds
XWomenx




Reply :


Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command- ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 , then only it will automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Beer 6.1 or Whisky 6.8

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0 Otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system. So please be careful!

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0


We recommend: Cooking 3.0

Good Luck Madam !
Rgds
Support Guy




...............

Couple Caught by Police in Park

Police: Park main aise tum duno kyun baithe ho..?
Man: Hum dono shaadi shuda hain.

Police: Toh ghar main baitho.
Man: Iska husband nahi manega...




...............

Honey, My Wife Is Off Tomorrow

Teacher makes a call to her Student to inform:
     "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off."

The Student make a phone call to his Dad:
     "I'm off tomorrow, let's go Picnic!"

Dad makes phone call to his Secretory:
     "I'm busy tomorrow, let's date on next day!"

Secretory makes a phone call to her Husband:
     "Honey, I don't go business trip on tomorrow, let's hang out"

Husband makes a phone call to Teacher:
     "Honey my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come!"

Teacher makes a another call to her Student:
     Tomorrow we go to School as usual"




...............

Pappu Vs Somu

Pappu went to market along with Door.

Somu : Why you carrying door with you? Are you selling the door?

Pappu : Door lock is not working, so taking for repair

Somu : What if theives do robbery in your home?

Pappu : Door is with me, then how do they enter into my home... !!!

Somu shocks....Pappu rocks




...............

THE BEAUTY OF ENGLISH IS INFINITE

I called my school friend, He said he was working on a special project
" Aqua-Thermal Treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium And Steel Under A Constrained Environment".

I was so impressed, later I realized that
Idiot was washing Utensils in warm water under the supervision of his Wife.

THE BEAUTY OF ENGLISH IS INFINITE!



...............

Customer Calls A Tech Support Guy

Tech Support Guy:
Your Password is The Small Letter "a" as in apple, Capital Letter "V" as in Victor, and the number 7274.

Customer: Is the 7274 in Capital Letters?

Tech Support Guy fainted down.



...............

Wife and Husband Started dieting

Wife and Me Started dieting...

She said we could have a cheat day today...

She brought home KFC & I brought home my Secretary..

Women are so tough to understand...


.....................

Naughty Kids

KENNY: My Dad is the most important person in this country because the President of Nigeria himself calls him every night

JUNIOR: What does your dad do?

KENNY: He's a Minister.

JUNIOR: Well, my dad is the most important person that even the President himself sits with his head bowed in front of my dad.

KENNY: Wow! What is does your dad do?

JUNIOR: He's a barber.

..........................

Bahubali Vs Kattappa

Bahubali :
Mama... You have this much of Talent in almost all sectors.... Then Why didn't u get Married till now?...

Kattappa : I don't want to be Slave in Home too...


..................................

Girls Take 3 Days To Judge A Boy

Research Says That:
Girls Take 3 Days To Judge A Boy, Whether She Likes Him Or Not.

But Boys Take Only Three Seconds..!!
1st Sec: Kya Ladki Hai Yaar
2nd Sec: Mast Hai Yaar
3rd Sec: Bhai Mujhe Pyar Ho Gaya

............................

Intelligent Pappu

Pappu nadi pe nahane ja raha tha...!

School ke peeche nadi main Principle Doob raha tha...!!

Pappu ne Dekha aur Zor Zor se chillate hue Bhaaga...!!!

KAL CHUTTE HAI... KAL CHUTTE HAI ....!!!!

Pappu rocks 

.............................

Fabulous reply from Beggar

Begger : Please give me Rs 20 for coffee sir

Man : But coffee costs only Rs 10

Begger : I have girlfriend with me

Man : Being a begger you have girlfriend also? !

Begger : Because of her only I have become begger


...........................................

Hilarious situation of Love proposal

A guy was in love with a girl but never had the guts to tell her.

One night around 10'o clock, he gathered some courage & sent her a text with these honest words... "Sneha, I love you, Please reply & tell me how you feel."

Few seconds later he received a message alert on his phone.

He was so scared and too tensed to open it that night

So he decided not to check the message until the next morning when he's less tense and in better senses. So he went to sleep.

When he woke up the next day he prayed seriously about the message for good news, went about doing his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast took a bath, dressed himself up then climbed into bed and picked his phone to read the message on his phone.

This was the response he read: "Dear customer, you have insufficient balance to send this message. Please recharge your account and try again".

.....................................................

Intelligent Husband 2

Husband sent a text to wife at night,
"Hi, I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

Obviously He didn't get reply from his wife 

He sent another text, "I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in My salary at the end of month I'm getting u a new car "

She text back, " OMG really? " 

Husband Replied: " No, I just wanted to make sure you got my 1st message." 


.......................................

Student Mistakes

If a Barber makes a mistake... It's a New Style

If a Politician makes a mistake... It's a New Law

If a Scientist makes a mistake... It's a New Invention

If a Tailor makes a mistake... Its a New Style

If a Teacher makes a mistake... It's a New Theory

But...
If a Student Makes a mistake... It's always Mistake only


.................................

Couple in African Safari

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on a tourist's wife.

Wife : Shoot him! Shoot him!

Husband: Yes, Yes. wait for a minute... I'm changing the battery of my camera.



....................................

Husband Problems...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

" You'll get your chance in court.", said the Policeman.

" No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


....................................

Why Ladies hate Doctors?

Before giving Anesthesia Doctor asked Lady. " Whats Your Age Madam? "
Lady : 24 years!

Doctor : Madam are you sure this is correct age? Because the amount of Anesthesia will depend upon your age.
Lady : 30 years!

Doctor : Look Madam.. it's upto u. Lesser amount of Anesthesia could wake u up during operation and u could go into comma as well.
Lady : 38..

Doctor : ( Once again..) Look Madam.. if u are not gonna tell me ur real age then wrong amount of Anesthesia will directly affect your livers and they may fail as well.
Lady : Screamed and said.. 49! That's it, I am not gonna change my age any further even though my dead body comes out of the operation Theater.

......................................

Boys..... Beware of Girls.

Girl texts her Boyfriend.....

Girl: Sweetheart...? Am down and need some money to fix my Hair.

Boy : No problem sweety.(he sends her some cash).
[The Girl went missing for a couple of weeks, no calls, no texts and when he tried to call her.... "user busy, not available, can not be reached and few weeks later she texts him again......

Girl: Baby....? missed you but not okay, am down and I need some money for my outfits.

Boy : Okay sweety am there for you. (He again sent her some money).
[The Girl went missing again, this time for full month].

A month later she came back again, this time she made a phone call.....

Girl: Honey I Really missed, how are you, I just called to let you know it's my birthday and I need some money for the shopping.

Boy : Hey whatsapp, you only appear when you need money from me, Do you really love me or you are just taking advantage of Love.

Girl: Baby I love you so much how can you talk that way, don't you trust me ?

Boy : I do but how can you keep me waiting this long?? Are you serious with this relationship?.

Girl: Am really serious just be patient and trust me, I still love you just send me some money.

Boy : Okay but don't keep me waiting this long. [He again sent her some money for the shopping]

How can you describe this Guy?



..........................................

How silly A Mother-in-law supports her Daughter

A Mother-in-law arrives home from the market to find her Son-in-law boiling with anger and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

" What happened? " She asks anxiously.

" What happened?!! I will tell you what happened. " Son-in-law answered 

I sent a WhatsApp text to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? 'Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our bedroom!' This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

" Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. 

" There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I will go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" I told you na there must be a simple explanation"

" WHAT? " Her Son-in-law asked.

" She didn't receive your WhatsApp, that's why! " 


..........................................

Policeman Vs Drug Barons

A policeman arrested 3 drug barons. 
He started saying, " Idiots, you have been caught today selling Cocaine. You shall be sentenced for a long time in prison." 

Baron 1: What the hell? I will give you $1000.
Policeman: You are stupid. (slaps the baron) You think I am corrupt? 

Baron 2: What if I pay you $5000?
Policeman: (punching the baron in the tommy) Give your bloody money to your friends in Jail. 

Baron 3: What if I .... 
Policeman: (Interrupting) If you say .....

Baron 3: (continuing) $ 2 Million.
Policeman: I will ....(shocked), did you just .... Why didn't you tell me that you were just selling pain relievers?



.........................

Stay in 60th floor of A Hotel

Ramesh, Suresh and Mukesh decided to go to China for vacation.

Since they were new to the place they had to stay in a Hotel. And their room was on the 60th floor.

The policy of the hotel was that "At midnight the elevators were shut down."

The next day, these guys rented a car and explored the city. They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the hotel past midnight.

The elevators were shut down. There was no other way to get to their room but to take the stairs all the way to the 60th floor.

Ramesh said " For the first 20 floors, I will tell jokes to keep us going. Then Suresh could say wise stories for the next 20 floors and lastly we will cover the final 20 floors with sad stories from Mukesh." 

So, Ramesh started with jokes. With laughs and joy, they reached the 20th floor.

Suresh started saying stories full of wisdom. They learned a lot while reaching the 40th floor.

Now it was time for sad stories. So, Mukesh started: "My first sad story is that I left the Key for the room in the Car"


.................................

Killing reply to Employer

Employer   : How long did you work during your last job? 

Candidate : Thirty years. 

Employer   : Whats your age? 

Candidate : Twenty years. 

Employer   : You are 20 And have 30 Years experience. How is that possible? 

Candidate : Over time. 

....................................

Pappu relaxing at Beach

Pappu was enjoying the sun at the beach when a Lady girl came and asked him, "Are u relaxing?"
Pappu replied; "No, I am Pappu". 

A man came and asked him the same question.
Pappu replied, "No! No! ..I am Pappu!".

Later on a Little Girl came and asked him same question again.
Pappu became angry and decided to move away. 

While walking, he saw a guy sun bathing.He went up to him and asked," Are you Relaxing?" 
The guy replied: "Yes, I am relaxing."

Pappu gave him a hot slap on his face and screamed; "foolish man ,Is it not you everybody is looking for?"

.........................................

Husband and Wife were in court for divorce

Husband and Wife were in court for divorce.

 The problem is who gets custody for the child! 

The wife Jumps up and says: 
Your honor, I brought the child into this world in pains and labour, he should be in my custody.

 The Judge turns to Husband, 
Husband: (calmly) " Your honor, if I use my ATM card to withdrawn Cash . Whose cash is it? The MACHINE's or MINE? 


......................

3 Girls Swimming in a Dam

One day, three Girls went swimming in a Nearby Dam..
As usual they undressed and started swimming

20 minutes later, a Middle aged Man came and Stood next to Where they Left their Clothes..

The girls said, "what have you come to see? You are Unlucky because, we won't get out of this waters till you Leave!"

And they started drifting towards the Deepest parts..

The man replied, "I have got nothing to do with you, I just came to feed the Crocodiles in here!"

The girls immediately jumps out of the water.




.................................

Newly married Girl Speech

A newly wedded girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
She was asked to give a little speech. 

She addressed as follows;
"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family"

She said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here.
I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?", asked her Mother- In-Law.

What I mean is: 
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cook should not stop on my account. Those who used to clean should continue cleaning.

As for me, I am here just to control your son.



.......................................

Funny Definitions of KISS

What Is a " Kiss " .??? 

Different Answers from Different Languages

Maths : "Kiss is the shortest distance between the 2 Lips" 

Biology : "Kiss is just the exchange of germs from one mouth to another"

Chemistry : " Kiss is a process of testing the pH of the lips " 

Physics : " It's a process of charging a human body "

Computer : " Kiss is a local area network in which 2 bodies are connected without a data cable "

Economics : "Kiss is a process in which quantity Demanded is higher than quantity Supplied "

English : "Kiss is a touch or caress with the lips "

Commerce : kiss what we call traded by batter

Accounting : kiss a balances sheet where debit side and credit side are equal. 


........................

You are absolutely the right Man for my Daughter

Father-In-Law : Young man, You are coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you are chewing gum.That's a sign of disrespect! .

Bridegroom : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

Father-In-Law : You mean you drink & smoke and you are here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage? .

Bridegroom : Sir I only drink & smoke when I go to the Club.

Father-In-Law : You club too? .

Bridegroom : I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.

Father-In-Law : You have also been in prison before? Oh my God! .

Bridegroom : Sorry sir, I went to Jail when I killed somebody!!.

Father-In-Law : What!!! You are a killer??? .

Bridegroom : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a certain man that didn't allow me to marry his daughter so I killed him. .

Father-In-Law : You are highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You are absolutely the right Man for my Daughter

.....................

Innocent Wife...

Wife called her scientist husband.

"Honey... It's Saturday... and you are late."

Husband: I'm busy with my team in an experiment. 

Wife: What's that? 

Husband: 
We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH *(alcohol)* with ambiant temperature H2O *(water)* and aqueous CO2 *(soda)*. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O *(ice cubes)*, now while waiting for some protein *(snacks)*, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine *(smoking)*... It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."

Wife: Oh dear... I won't disturb you. Take ur time...



..............

Wife Vs Astrologer

Once Wife goes to PALM reading Astrologer

Astrologer: Do you want to know your Husband future?

Wife: Rubbish, I will decide his future !!   You just tell me his PAST

............................

I lost my Wife...

Husband:     I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector:     What is her hight?

Husband:     I never checked.

Inspector:     Slim or healthy?

Husband:     Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector:     Colour of eyes?

Husband:     Never noticed.

Inspector:     Was she driving?

Husband:     yes.

Inspector:     Colour of the car?

Husband:    
Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an 8 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights......and husband starting crying.

Inspector:     Don't worry sir...we will find your car.

.............................................................................