Wife Vs Astrologer

Once Wife goes to PALM reading Astrologer

Astrologer: Do you want to know your Husband future?

Wife: Rubbish, I will decide his future !!   You just tell me his PAST

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I lost my Wife...

Husband:     I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector:     What is her hight?

Husband:     I never checked.

Inspector:     Slim or healthy?

Husband:     Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector:     Colour of eyes?

Husband:     Never noticed.

Inspector:     Was she driving?

Husband:     yes.

Inspector:     Colour of the car?

Husband:    
Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an 8 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights......and husband starting crying.

Inspector:     Don't worry sir...we will find your car.

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Intelligent Doctor

A Doctor opened a clinic & wrote outside the clinic:
Any treatment will cost Rs.300/- and if we can't treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Man comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the Doctor: " I can't feel any taste on my tongue... "
Doctor asks the Nurse to put few drops of medicine from box no 22.

After that the MAN shouts: "What the hell ...its URINE!! "
The doctor says, " Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now ".

The MAN was angry as he lost Rs.300.
After 2 weeks MAN comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

MAN: Doctor, I have lost my memory.
Doctor: Nurse! please put some drops of medicine from Box no 22 on his tongue.

MAN: Wait doctor, but that medicine is for sense of taste.
Doctor: Congratulations, your memory is back.

Moral: Don't try to be over smart with Doctors... 

 

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Rocking Indians.. :D

Americans have Invented one Machine to catch the Thieves.

And They have decided to test the Machine throughout the world.

In America, It caught 20 Thieves in 30 minutes.

In Japan, It caught 50 Thieves in 30 minutes.

In England, It caught 90 Thieves in 30 minutes.

In Ghana, It caught 120 Thieves in 30 minutes.

In Russia, It caught 150 Thieves in 30 minutes.

And finally The Machine reached India, But in India, the Machine was stolen by Thieves in 10 Minutes...

Rocking Indians...



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Innocent Husband

In Heaven, God told all Husbands & Wives to gather for a Meeting! 

He told the men to stand in two Queues

1) Those who are controlled by their wives
2) Those who control their Wives

Only 1 man stood in the second Queue..

God said, "So you control your wife?" 

Man : "R U Crazy??? My Wife told me to stand here " 

   

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Whats the difference between "LIKE" & "LOVE"??

Teacher: 
Whats the difference between "LIKE" & "LOVE"??

Student : 
When you LiKe a Flower, you just Pluck it.. But When you Love a Flower, you Water it Daily..


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Slapping Reply to Girl Friend

Ladki  : Jaanu, personal aur secret me kya difference hai...?

Ladka : Tum meri girlfriend ho yeh personal hai, aur tumhari behen bhi meri girlfriend hai, yeh secret hai...



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Monthly pass for Girls Hostel

Principal: Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

Munna Bhai: Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

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Funny Love Story

Once upon a time ... There was a beautiful girl named Rexona & handsome boy named CINTHOL.

Rexona & CINTHOL fell in love with each other. 
Rexona parents were Hamam & Margo, CINTHOL parents were Wheel & Nirma , 

Rexona was very excited to make CINTHOL his "Life Boy". They wished to marry and approach their aunt 501 who manages to convince them. 

Rexona & CINTHOL were very happy in their love and they fixed their marriage 
at " Fair & lovely " garden opposite to Santoor theatre , Medimix city ... 

They invite their friends Lux, Dove , Dettol , Savlon, Tide , Fa , Jo and others.

Rexona & CINTHOL got married and lived Happily in their Dream land "PEARS" and after 1 year they got twins 'Johnson & Johnson'


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God only understands Engineers

3 People after death reached heaven and were standing before the gates


1st person: I am Poojari and I served you all my life God, let me come inside.

God: Next....


2nd Person: I am a Doctor, I have saved lives of many people and served them... let me come inside...

God: Next....


3rd Person: I am an Engineer...

God: Enough, now don't let me get tears... I know you have spent all your life in hell, its your time to enter into heaven... come in...



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Mallika Rocks again...

Mallika went to a Swimming Pool with inner-wear.

Guard : Madam here 2-Piece costume is not allowed!

Mallika: Which one I Have to take it out?

Mallika Rocks...       Guard fainted..

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Defense Lawyer's Good News

I have good news and bad news," the Defense Lawyer says to his client.

Client : " What's the bad news? "

Lawyer : " Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well", the Lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."



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Excellent suggestion by Gym Coach to impress A Girl

A Boy joined a Gym to impress his GirlFriend.

Boy to Gym coach : I wanna impress this cute girl and gonna meet her in 3 days.. Which machine should I use?

Coach : Use the ATM machine just outside the Gym!!! No matter how you are looking, She will be impressed!!!




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Why are Girls lying these days.

Boy : Hi honey, how are you doing?
Girl : Darling am fine

Boy : Where are you now?
Girl : Daddy's driver is bringing me to school with daddy's Audi Q7

Boy : Oh honey that is lovely.. I just wanted to tell you not to pay the Bus Conductor. I am at your back, and I have already paid for the both of us.


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Wife is Always Wife

Wife : Where are you going?
Husband : I Want to commit suicide

Wife : Why didn't you carry a Bag with you?
Husband : What is it for?

Wife : If u change your decision, then bring vegetables for this week

Husband fainted down and admitted into Mental Hospital.


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That is Indian's Talent

Once in a Soap industry in Japan, The soap cover was mistakenly packed without soap in it(i.e empty box).

To avoid the problem in the future, Engineers purchased X-Ray machine of 60 thousand dollars To check whether soap is Packed in every cover or not in assembly line....

If Same problem occurred in India..
Indian Engineers simply put a fan beside the assembly line & Empty boxes were flown away!....

That is Indian's Talent..Don't want to waste money everywhere





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Girl online Chatting with an Unknown Person

Girl online Chatting with an Unknown Person

Person : Could you please give me your e-mail id...?

Girl : Yeah sure.. here it is: "iHaveBF.ilovehim@getlost.com"

Person: Thanks.. Here is mine: "iAmYourDad.slapYouToday@cometohome.com"

Girl Shocks..




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Why the Bridegroom becomes silent on that Day

The Bride kissed her Father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering that what was given to the father by the Bride
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something

So he announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life. Then he raised his hands with what his Daughter gave him and said.. My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"

The whole Audience burst into laughter.. But one was in complete silence...
The Groom




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How can I live without You

Husband texts to wife on cell, "Hi, what are you doing Darling?"

Wife: I'm dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without You?"

Wife: "You Idiot! I'm dying my hair.."

Husband: "Bloody English Language!




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Understanding business in a funny way..

1. You see Gorgeous girl in party, you go to her & say I am rich marry me
    That's Direct Marketing.

2. You attend party & your friend goes to a girl & pointing at you tells her. He' is     very rich, marry him.
    That's Advertising.

3. Girl walks to you & says you are rich, can you marry me?
    That's Brand Recognition

4. You say I m very rich marry me & she slaps you.
    That's Customer Feedback

5. You say I m very rich marry me & she introduces you to her husband.
    That's Demand & Supply Gap

6. Before you say I m rich, marry me, your wife arrives.
    That's Restriction from Entering New Market


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Shocking & Hillarious reply to Husband

Husband and Wife agreed that whenever they want to have _ _ _, they will call it 'PHONE CALL' so that the children won't understand.

One day, Dad sends Son to tell Mom that he wants to make a 'PHONE CALL'.

Mom replies:
"Tell your Dad that the Network is busy today."

Dad replies:
"Tell your Mom that the call is urgent, if Network is busy, then am going to a PUBLIC PHONE BOOTH."

Mom replies:
"Tell him that if he dare goes to Public Phone Booth, I will OPEN a Business Center and all 'PHONE CALLS' will be FREE ...."





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How funny the Father was Frustrated by his Kid

Dad: Whom do you like more Mummy or daddy..??
Kid : Both

Dad: No tell me anyone..?
Kid : Both

Dad: Ok, If I go to America and your Mother goes to Paris Where will u go.?
Kid : Paris..

Dad: It Means You Like your Mother..?
Kid : No, Because Paris is more beautiful than America..

Dad: Oh, If I go to Paris and your Mother goes to America so Where will you go.??
Kid : America..

Dad: Why.?
Kid : Paris I have already visited na daddy.

Dad: Jaa bey jaa.. Mom ki Chamche .. Jaa school Jaa..




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When Wife Saw Lipstick Mark on Shirt...

After a few years of marriage, while washing clothes, wife saw the Lipstick mark on her hubby shirt

Wife : Tell me about this Lipstick on your shirt.

Husband : Babe, I can explain!

Wife : I don't care!! Just ask her the *Brand" and *Shade No.* !!!




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Coffee and a Fly

A customer ordered a cup of coffee in a restaurant! The waiter served the coffee. The customer found a fly in the coffee. He called the waiter.

Customer: How do I drink this coffee!

Waiter: Don't you know how to drink a coffee?

Customer: Waiter, see, there is a fly in my coffee.

Waiter: Oh yes sir, you are right! There is a fly in your coffee.

Customer: Waiter, I said, there is a fly in MY coffee

Waiter: Oh don't worry sir, the fly won't drink much!

Customer: Waiter, it is swimming in my coffee.

Waiter: Sir, do you want me to get a lifeguard for the fly sir?

(Annoyed) Customer: the fly dead, it's irritating!

Waiter: I guess, it doesn't know how to swim properly.

Customer: How do I drink this coffee?

Waiter: Don't you know how to drink? I will teach you!

He drank the coffee! And said, this is how you should drink a coffee.




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Makeup problem for a Wife

A wife doing her makeup early morning straight out from Bed !!

Husband : 
         Are you crazy!!

Wife : 
      Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone. Its on Face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me..!!




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Intelligent Husband

Wife : Honey, Where are you?

Husband : I am at the Bank..

Wife : Dear, Please I need Rs.3000/- to activate my Blackberry, Rs.5000/- to my Hair and Rs.10,000/- to buy a Dress,

Husband : Sorry, I meant to say that I am at the "bank" of the River.. Do you want me to bring fish to cook?




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Chintu's Shocking reply to Pappu

Pappu : What Is The Difference Between Coffee Shop and Wine Shop?

Chintu : Coffee Shop Is The Starting Point Of Love and Wine Shop Is The Last Point Of Love.

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Illiterate Father and his Educated Son

An Illiterate Father and with his Educated Son went on a Campaign Trip.
They set up their Tent and Fell Asleep.

Some hours later, Father wakes his son and asks:
"Look up to the Sky and tell me what you see?

Son : I see Millions of stars

Father : What does that tell you?

Son : Astronomically, It tells that there are Millions of Galaxies & Planets

Father : Slaps the Son Hard and says " Idiot, someone has Stolen our Tent!


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Result of Spoken English

Husband : What happened.. Here is the huge crowd in front of our Home.

Wife : Nothing dear... I just informed our neighbor that our relative is coming from Mumbai

Husband : Why is this much of crowd for that.. Can you explain clearly what you told her?

Wife : Nothing like that dear.. I am learning Spoken English na , thats why I told her in English

Husband : Then tell me What exactly you told her.

Wife : I told her that 'Today Sunny Leone is coming to my home from Mumbai'

Husband : Stop your Butler English.... Its not Sunny Leone... Its Son-in-law


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Why did you marry me?

Wife : Dear, Why did you marry me? Is that all because of "My Beauty or Genius"

Husband : I know that you are neither Beauty nor Genius. Thats the reason I get married you.

Wife : If I was not, then Why did you marry me?

Husband : If you are beautiful All Eyes on you and If you are clever Your Eyes will be on me.

Wife : I didn't understand dear..

Husband : Thats why I married you.



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