SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?

Me : Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel?

(Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK. OK. A vowel is... ahh... eh... well, oh... uh...

Me: Close enough.



.........................................................

I Was In The Restaurant Yesterday When I Suddenly Realized

I Was In The Restaurant

Yesterday When I Suddenly Realized,

I Desperately Needed To Pass Gas.

The Music Was Really, Really Loud,

So I I Timed My Gas With The Beat Of The Music.

After A Couple Of Songs, I Started To Feel Better.

I Finished My Coffee, And Noticed That Everybody Was

Staring At Me. Then I Suddenly Remembered That I Was

Listening To My iPod....



.........................................................................................................

Never Loose Confident Boy

Never Loose Confident Boy Can There Be Anything Worse than Losing A Girlfriend ?

Old Man Replied :- Yes... . . . . .

Losing Your Confidence of Finding Another One!

Wife vs Thief

Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card at that time?

Husband: The Thief was spending less than my wife.

Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the Thief's wife has started using it!














............................................................

Killing reply to Husband...

Wife: Can u help me in the gardening ?

Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener ?

Wife: Can u fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbor.
But he gave me 2 options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds ?!!

..................................................

No One Can Beat Indian's Talent

An Indian Doctor can't find a job in USA..
So he opens a clinic and puts a sign
GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: I have lost my sense of taste.
Doctor : Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.
Lawyer: Ugh..this is kerosene.
Doctor : Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.
Doctor : Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.
Lawyer(Annoyed): This is kerosene. Last time U gave me for restoring my taste.
Doctor : Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.
Doctor : Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.
Lawyer: (staring at the note)* : "But this is $20, not $100.
Doctor : Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.

*You can't beat Indians* !!!!!



.................................................................

Difference between 2*3 and 3*2

Boy: I got an F in Arithmetic.

Dad: Why ?

Boy: The Teacher asked 'How much is 2 * 3' ?

and I said it is '6'.

Dad: But that's right only na..

Boy: Then she asked me 'How much is 3 * 2' ?

Dad: What's the XXXXX difference ?

Boy: That's exactly what I said!


.......................................................................

Teacher and Boy conversation

Teacher : what is your parents name??

Boy: my dad's name is laughing and my mom's name is smiling.

Teacher: you must be kidding.

Boy: Nope, I am joking

.................................

Somebody kills nobody

There are five friends named*

*Somebody*, *nobody,* *mad, stupid and fool*

*Somebody and nobody were fighting*

*Somebody killed nobody*

*Mad quickly called the police*

*Mad: Hello sir*

*Police: can we help you*

*Mad: yes somebody just killed nobody*

*Police: are u stupid!!*

*Mad: no, stupid is in the bathroom bathing*

*Police: are u mad!!!*

*Mad: yes am mad*

*Police: you must be a fool!!!*

*Mad: no, fool is the one reading this comment*

*Am sorry but I was also a victim....



.................................................

A child asked his father - How were people born?

A child asked his father,

How were people born?

So his father said,

Adam and Eve made babies,

then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question

and she told him, We were monkeys

then we evolved to become like we are now.

The child ran back to his father and said,

You lied to me! His father replied, No,

your mom was talking about her side of the family.


.........................................

Little Johnny asks his father

Little Johnny asks his father:

"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.


...............................................

A boy is selling fish on a corner

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention,

he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale!

Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks,

"Why are you calling them 'dam fish."

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam.
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife,

and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know

it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner
table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the donkey potatoes!"



.......................................

My manager started like this "Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids

"My manager started like this "Hi, I am Madhu,

Married with two kids" "Will you hang that calendar or

else I'll HANG MYSELF" "LIBRARIAN SCOLDS,

"IF YOU WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

"Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter".


"Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father".

"Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when

I am in the class?!" "Lab assistant said this when my

friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand.

Computer how understand?? "Seeing the principal passing by,

the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet,

the principal has passed away". Once Teacher Told

"If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand Uping you"

Teacher to students: Don't spit outside,

the understanding people will suffer.


................................

Beggar: Sir please give me Rs. 10 For coffee

Beggar : Sir please give me rs. 10 For coffee.

Man : Coffee?

Its rs. 5 only.

Beggar : 1 for my girlfriend!

Man : Wow! you too made a girlfriend?

Beggar : No sir, girlfriend made me a beggar.



.........................................

Wife vs Husband

Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.

Husband: Thanks, dear, but the audience was full of fools and idiots.

Wife: Hmm...so, that explains why you addressed them as

BROTHERS and SISTERS.

..................................

Need a Help

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.


.....................................

In college days.. She came into my life ..

In college days..

She came into my life ..

I kept looking at her.

She smiled..,

Yet I kept quiet..

She began 2 speak..,

I dint listen - And

when she began 2 leave..

I started running behind her requesting . . . .

Mam' mam' mam attendance!



..............................................

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!


................................................

Medical & Engineering College Principals

Students Guts Medical & Engineering College Principals argued that their students are fearless.

Medical college Principal called the students & asked to jump in a sea full of sharks.

They Jumped..

Principal said: "See the guts"

Engineering College Principal called the students & told them to jump.

They said "Pagal hai kya Takle?"

Principal said: "See the guts"

..............................

Class teacher once said:Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin

"Class teacher once said:"Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!"

DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

Don't.. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down

It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered..

She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then

she said - why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

Teacher in a furious mood... write down your name and father of your name

Shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college

I have 3 daughters, all are girls" "This is what my manager said,

Peoples, please sit down and take your seats

I was once living very actively

I was once living very actively - playing football, tennis, participating into car races.

Sometimes I would play poker and pool.

But later somebody stole my PC and that was it..


.........................

After getting the friend request on Facebook from an unknown Guy

After getting the friend request on Facebook from an unknown Guy.

Girl: Hey do I know You??

Boy : Of course no!!!

Girl: Then Why did you send me a request?

(Awesome Reply from the Guy) Boy : Well, Facebook suggests me to add You again and again... And I dont want to "HURT" Facebook..!!


..................................

Types Of Girls

Types Of Girls

There are basically 7 TYPES OF GIRLS...

1. HARD DISK Girls: Remember everything forever.

2. RAM Girls: Forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

3. SCREEN SAVER Girls: Just for looking.

4. INTERNET Girls: Difficult to access.

5. SERVER Girls: Always busy when needed.

6. MULTIMEDIA Girls: Makes horrible things looks beautiful.

7. VIRUS Girls : These type of girls are normally called 'WIFE' once enters in your system don't leave even after format.



......................................

Boyfriend : Last night I had a dream of you

Boyfriend : Last night I had a dream of you.

Girlfriend (got excited): "Maine kya kiya tumhare sapne mein aa key.

Boyfriend replied : "We were traveling in bus, Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river. . Everyone swam to save their life, but you were still swimming and searching for someone. .

Girlfriend (with luv):I was searching for you, na.

Boyfriend said: NO, You were shouting, . . oye, Where is conductor, He will give me 2 rupees

...........................................

Letter To Dad

A student wrote a letter to his father

from hostel:

Dear dad'! No money,No fun.

Your son!

His father replied: Dear son!
So sad,Very bad

Your dad!


.................................

New Year Gift

Hari was taking an afternoon sleep on New Years Eve prior to celebrations.

When she woke up, she said krishna, her husband, that dear, I dreamt that you have gifted me a diamond ring as a New year present. What does it all means?

Krishna simply smiled and answered wait dear, you will come to know tonight.

At midnight, when the New Year was chiming,

Krishna gifted her with a small package.

Hari excitedly opened the package quickly and she found a book named Dreams and the meaning of dreams!!

.................................................

Have a Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

.............................

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


.....................................

James Bond and a Telugu guy fly to New york

James Bond and a Telugu guy fly to New york in a flight.

Telugu guy takes the initiative to converse with James Bond.

Telugu guy asks the name of Bond.

Bond says: Bond! James Bond! James Bond 007!

And Bond asks Telugu Guy's name.

Telgu Guy replies: Prasad! Venkat Prasad! Veera Venkat Prasad! Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Venkateshwara Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Srinivasukala Venkateshwara Srilakshmi ! Sai Veera Venkat Prasad! Sita Ramanjaneyula Srinivasula Venkateshwara Srilakshmi Sai Veera Venkat Prasad!

.........................

Pappu Married Life...

Ramu met his newly married Friend Pappu

Ramu: How's Your Married Life

Pappu: Not Good Yaar

Ramu: Why, What Happen?

Pappu: You Know, What's My Wife Name?

Ramu: I Don't Know...

Pappu: Her Name is "Google"

Ramu: What Kind of Name is That?

Pappu: Wherever I Am, She Find Me.

.....................

I Will Never Trust A Girl

Ramesh: I will never trust any girl as of now. All are liars.
Suresh: What happened bro? Your Girlfriend did anything.

Ramesh: Don't take her name. I don't wanna see her face ever again.
Suresh: Why? You saw her with another guy?

Ramesh: No bro!
Suresh: Then What?

Ramesh: She caught me with my 2nd Girlfriend, whereas she has told me yesterday, she was going out of city. "SUCH A LIER".

..........................

Different Tastes at Different Age Groups for Men and Women

Women are so difficult... Always changing their taste....
At 18, They want Handsome Men.
At 25, They want Matured Men.
At 30, They want Successful Men.
At 40, They want Established Men.
At 50, They want Faithful Men.

Men are very simple... They never change their taste...
At 18, They want pretty young Girls.
At 25, They want pretty young Girls,
At 30, They want pretty young Girls,
At 40, They want pretty young Girls.
At 50, They still want pretty young Girls

.............................

Courageous Hunter

Somu: I'm gonna go hunting dude!

Ramu: What are you gonna hunt?
Somu: Lions!

Ramu: Woah dude! awesome! stay safe.
Somu: Ok man thanks!

Ramu: Dude, how was the hunting trip?
Somu: I didn't go man!

Ramu: Why? what happened?
Somu: There was a Dog standing outside my Gate.



...................

Difference Between Love Marriage & Arranged Marriage

Arrange Marriage:
    "While you are walking, unfortunately a snakes bites you"

Love Marriage:
     Dancing in front of Cobra and singing "Wanna be my chammak challo"


...................

Funny Discussion Between Young Couple

Husband 2 Wife: " Did You have any boyfriend before marriage ??"

Wife: Remains silent

Husband: What I think about this silent ??

Wife: Abbe wait I am Counting



...........................

Best Day To Propose A Girl

Hey You Know Which is the best day to propose a girl.. It is April 1

And You Know Why??

If she accept its your luck otherwise just tell her April Foooooll.


............................

Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.


...........................

Ken prays the god

One day, Ken went to church to pray.

God appeared and asked "Ken what do you wish for"?

Ken replied "God, please I want to drive a big car with plenty of girls in it"

God exclaimed. "Amen, may your wish be done"

Currently, Ken is now a bus driver at ABURI Girls secondary School.

Next time pray well. ...


............

Pappu Vs YamRaj

Yamraj to Pappu: "Tumhari koi aakhri khwaish hai !!"

Pappu: "I want to see Manmohan Singh speaking with Salman Khan's wife at Rahul Gandhi's wedding"

Yamraj died..,


...................

Are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," the boy says.

"There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.


..................

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None,

the car is already full of gorillas.


............................

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, Why do you ask me that Is it just because I am Chinese?

No it's because you're drinking MY beer!


..............................

Judge: Why did you steal the car?

Judge: Why did you steal the car?

 Man: I had to get to work.

Judge: Why didn't you take the bus?

 Man: I don't have a drivers license for the bus.

.............................

Killing reply to WIfe....

Wife        : Jaanu, Kya..mein tumhare dreams me aati hun?

Husband : Nahi yar...

Wife        : Kyon....?

Husband : Mein Hanuman Chalisa padkar sotha hun....



......................

Never Joke on MPC students, they can do anything

Question: Prove that PAPA = MAMA

Medical Doctor: Not Possible
Accountant: No way
Barrister: Cannot be proved
Social science students: Not in this world,
but....

Mpc student: It is simple solution

As we know,
Pressure(P)= Force/Area
i.e P = F/A
then F = PA....(1)

Now according to Newtons 2nd law of motion,
Force(F)= Mass(M) * Acceleration(A)
i.e F = MA...(2)

From equation (1) and (2)
PA = MA
Squaring both side (PA)2 = (MA)2
PAPA = MAMA
Hence proved

Don't challenge Mpc students they can do anything....


...............................

Women will be women

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"

God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital

& have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,

"You said I had another 34 years to live.

Why didn't you save me from the truck?"


..

..



..



..


God replied: "I couldn't recognize you!"

.............................

Credit card call

Call from a bank: .



" Hello Mrs Khanna Mam ".

We are offering you credit card with best deals!!!.

1. No annual charges

2. No interest on balance for three months

3. Big credit limit

4. No penalties for over spending.



Smart reply by the lady..

" No thanks ".

I have a husband-

1. With lifetime zero fee

2. No spending limit

3. No penalties and most importantly

4. No repayment forever.



Line cut without a word!!


.........................................................

A wife said to her husband

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you.

And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.


..................................

Class Room is Like a Train

Class Room is Like a Train ... . . . . . . .

1st Two Benches r Reserved For VIP ....

Next Two Benches r General coach . . .

Then . Last Two Benches r Very Demanded. . . . . .

Bcz Its.."SLEEPER COACH"


........................................