Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Breaking news- America advised North Korea

Breaking news- America advised North Korea

not to test any missile or bomb on New Year Eve

2018 coz people enjoy it as Fireworks.





















***************************************************************

When a married man says: I'll think about it

When a married man says:

"I'll think about it",

What he really means that,

He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet...





















***************************************************************

A man came home late at night after a party. His wife yelled:

A man came home late at night after a party.

His wife yelled:

"How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"

The man couldn't believe his luck: 'That would be great!'

Monday passed and he didnt see her.....

Tuesday and wednesday passed too.....

On thursday his swelling became better

And now he could see her from the

Corner of one eye....






















***************************************************************

Raju went to meet the 'father' of his GIRLFRIEND...

Raju went to meet the 'father' of his GIRLFRIEND...

Girl's father - I do not want my 'daughter' to spend her entire

'life' with a 'stupid' person...

Raju - Just uncle, so that's why I came to take him from here...!






















***************************************************************

A third world war may be coming and it’s starting from

A third world war may be coming and it?s starting from
-
-
News Channel
-
-
Be ready for World War III
-
-
It will first happen in News Channel studio....






















***************************************************************

Wife is a Memory Card , Husband is an ATM Card

Wife is a Memory Card;

Husband is an ATM Card;

Parents are PAN Card;

Girlfriend is a Debit Card;

Sister-in-law is a Recharge Card;

Child is an Identity Card;

But Friends are AADHAR Card - Bloody useful everywhere!




















***************************************************************

U are a BITCH............... B - Beautiful

U are a BITCH

B - Beautiful

I - Intelligent

T - Talented

C - Cute

H - Hilarious

Are You smiling now?

?

?

?

"YOU ARE REALLY BITCH"











***************************************************************

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow

Teacher : Correct the sentence,

"A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"

Student : "A cow and a bull is grazing in the field"

Teacher : How?

Student : Ladies first.











**************************************************

The main tension of parents nowadays..!!

The main tension of parents nowadays..!!

What their Son/Daughter download?.

But...But

What their daughters upload












**************************************************

Sweet love proposal - Q 1:What do you call a mother in Marathi?

Sweet love proposal -

Q 1: What do you call a mother in Marathi?

Q 2: What's the name of Lord Rama's elder son?

Q 3: What's the style of Swami Narayan's 'Tilak'?
.
Answers:
1. I
2. Luv
3. U














**************************************************

What’s the similarity between Income Tax

What's the similarity between Income Tax and a Caller Tune?

.

..

...

In both the cases, one pays the money and others enjoy.















**************************************************

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. Any last

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. "Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes", replied one of the prisoners. "I love music; so before I die, could you play me something by Himesh Resham"

And the second prisoner said, "Please kill me first."
















**************************************************

A man was summoned to his attorney’s office.

A man was summoned to his attorney?s office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

the lawyer said."Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That?s the bad news?" laughed the man.

"I can?t wait to hear the terrible news."

The terrible news is...

"The picture is of you and your secretary!"
















**************************************************

Written On A Public Toilet Door. The Person Coming

Written On A Public Toilet Door.

The Person Coming In Next Is Not Interested In Knowing What You Had For Lunch, Dinner, Breakfast Etc,

.

.

.

So, Please Flush Properly.
















**************************************************

When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why.

Once old man asks:

When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why.

But when a fifteen year married couple smile every wonders why..!!!
















**************************************************

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?

Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.

Conductor: what if you lose both?

Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!
















**************************************************

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?

PAPPU: Well, where did

you get THIS mummy then?
















**************************************************

Monday, April 16, 2018

A lady tourist went to a country on a vacation. In the evening

A lady tourist went to a country on a vacation.

 In the evening she was toddling on the beach.

 A security person came to her and said, ?

Mam only one-piece is allowed here.?

 The lady was awe, thinking which one to open.




***********************************************

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.

Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"

Sparsh: "PHD."

Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"

Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."





*********************************************************************

My Time

पति : नारी का मतलब क्या है?

पत्नी : नारी का मतलब है शक्ति.

पत्नी : तो फिर पुरुष का मतलब क्या है?

पति : ‘सहन शक्ति’…


......................................................................................................


टीचर  (पप्पू से) – “चल बता जेल को हिन्दी में “हवालात” क्यो कहते है ?”.

पप्पू – “सिम्पल है सर, क्यो कि वहा सिर्फ “हवा” और “लात” ही खाने को मिलती है :😂😂😂😂😂

टीचर :  गेट आउट😡😡😡😡



......................................................................................................



😜😆😝😂
दो पंडितों में लड़ाई हो रही थी

उन्हें लड़ते बहुत देर हो गई।

तीसरा पंडित: क्या हुआ, क्यों लड़ाई कर रहे हो?

एक पंडित बोला,”जब मैं लहसुन, प्याज नहीं खाता

तो इस साले ने चिकन में डाला क्यों?”😳😳😡😂😂



......................................................................................................



टीचर : कोई ऐसा व्यापार बताओ जो किसी भी जगह चल सकता है?

स्टूडेंट : दारू का ठेका श्मशान के अंदर भी खोल दो ,वहा भी चल जायेगा 😹😹🤘



................................................................................



सांता; अगर दुनिया के सारे आदमियों  का चेहरा 1 जैसा होता तो क्या होता..?

बंता; वही होता.. जो गैस सिलेंडर का होता है, कभी इसके घर.. कभी उसके घर।

😃😄 😃😄 😃😄



..................................................................................................


जज - तू तीसरी बार अदालत आया है..तुझे शर्म नही आती..?
😝😝

मुजरिम - साले तू तो रोज़ आता है तुझे तो डूब के मर जाना चाहिए।😳😳😳😝😝😝😝😂😂😂😝😂😝



.................................................................................................



एक मच्छर तूफान
मे फँसा हुआ था
"
रास्ते मे एक पेड़ मिला
मच्छर पेड़ से लिपट गया
"
जब तूफान निकल गया
तो मच्छर पसीना पोंछते
"
हुए बोला- अगर आज मै नही होता तो
ये पेड़ गिर ही जाता.!!
😄😄😄😄




..................................................................................................



एक बुढ़िया का दामाद बहुत हीं काला था ।
.
सास : दामाद जी आप तो 1 महीना यहाँ
रुको दूध, दही खाओ । मौज करो आराम से
रहो यहाँ । 😉
.
दामाद : अरे वाह सासु माँ आज बड़ा प्यार
आ रहा है मुझ पे । 😍
.
.
सास : अरे प्यार व्यार कुछ नहीं कलमुहे 😒
वो
हमारी भैंस का बच्चा मर गया , कम से कम
तुम्हे देख कर दूध तो देती रहेगी । 😁




...............................................................................................................


फिल्म “शोले” – जया बच्चन पूरी फिल्म में
लालटेन जलाती रहती हैं, क्योंकि गाँव में बिजली
नहीं है।
तो भाई ये बताओ कि वीरू जिस टंकी पर चढ़कर
मरने गया था उसमें बिना बिजली के पानी क्या
ठाकुर चढ़ाता था ???!!!🤔




....................................................................................................................

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

My girlfriend's birthday is in two days. And she

My girlfriend's birthday is in two days.

And she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing!


**************************************

Teacher: Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up

Teacher: Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: Oh, Johnny you think you're stupid?

Little Johnny: No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone.



**************************************

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, "Daddy, I'd like to get married."

His father replied hesitantly, "Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?"

"Yes", answered the boy. "I want to marry Grandma."

"Now, wait a minute", said his father. "You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?"

"Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."



*********************************

Friend 1: How do you manage to look sp clam relaxed?

Friend 1: How do you manage to look sp clam relaxed?

Friend 2: That's because I always follow instructions from veda strictly to avoid tensions in life.

Friend 1: There are four vedas: which one do you follow?

Friend 2: "Veda" is my wife....





*****************************************

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."



****************************************************

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The railroad engineer replied.

How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?



***************************************

During a cold winter day a wife messaged

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that "the Windows frozen".

Husband replied to "pour some warm water on them".

After a while husband received a message again

"No way, the computer is completely spoilt now"!

A child asked to his mother: Child: mom!

A child asked to his mother:

Child: mom! Can you give me some money?

His mom: why?

Child: I will give to a old man

His mom: well done! Okay, where is the old man?

Child: Momm.. He is at the end of the street... He is selling ice-cream





*****************************************

Sam: Dear sir, I want to ask you something. Teacher: yes

Sam: Dear sir, I want to ask you something.

Teacher: yes Sam, ask me, what do you want?

Sam: Sir, do you punish anyone for something they did not do?

Teacher: No Sam. Why should I?

Sam: Thank you sir. That's a relief. I haven't done the homework.






****************************************************

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Mirror mirror on the wall

"Mirror mirror on the wall,

who's the prettiest of them all?"

"OK, could you step aside a bit?

I can't see, you're too fat."




******************************************

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Boyfriend: "You're both."

Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"

Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."




**************************************

My husband and I couldn't decide

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,"

I said, "what would you get?"

"A bulletproof one," he said. "I'm married."



************************************************

While I was out to lunch

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and

told the caller that I would be back iin 20 minutes.

The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"



****************************************

Wife To Husband On The Phone

Wife To Husband On The Phone,

Wife: "Hey Baby, How Are You Doing?"

Husband: "Listen, I Am Really Busy, Don't Have Time To Talk At All"

Wife: "Well Baby, I Have A Good News And Bad News For You. You Want To Hear Them?"

Husband: "Just Tell Me The Good News, I Don't Have Time For The Bad!"

Wife: "Okay, Good News Is The Air Bags Of Our New BMW Work Absolutely Fine"




**************************************

Boss: We Are Very Keen On Cleanliness.

Boss: We Are Very Keen On Cleanliness. Did You Wipe Your Feets On The Mat As You Came In?"

New Employee: "Yes, Sir"

Boss: "We Are Also Keen On Truthfulness. There Is No Mat"




*****************************************

Three Fastest Means Of Communication

Tele-Phone
Tele-Vision
Tell A Woman
Bonus: Need Still Faster - Tell Her Not To Tell Anyone.





*********************************

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Girlfriend And Boyfriend Doing Love Chat In Park

Girlfriend And Boyfriend Doing Love Chat In Park.

Girlfriend: "How Much Do You Love Me?"

Boyfriend: "I'd Take Bullet For You."

Girlfriend: "Awwwww! Seriously?"

Boyfriend: "Yeah, Enfield Bullet In Dowry."



********************************************

A Love Couple Sitting In The Park, Boy Tries

A Love Couple Sitting In The Park, Boy Tries To Kiss The Girl.

Girl: "No Dear, Not All This Before Marriage"

Boy: "Don't Worry Darling, I Am Already Married"




******************************************

Difference between Mini Heart Attack and Heart Fail

Mini Heart Attack Vs Heart Fail:

A Man's Feeling.

It Feels Like A Mini Heart Attack,

When I Don't Find My Mobile In My Pocket.

& It's Almost Like Heart Fail,

When I See It In My Girlfriend's Hand.




*************************************************

Democratic Difference Betwen USA & India

Democratic Difference Betwen USA & India

In USA: "You Can Kiss In A Public Place But Can't Susu."

In India: "You Can Susu In Public Place But Can't Kiss."




*********************************

Teacher Ask A Question To Santa. Teacher: What Is 5

Teacher Ask A Question To Santa.

Teacher: "What Is 5 Plus 4?"

Santa: "9"

Teacher: "And What Is 4 Plus 5?"

Santa: "Are You Trying To Fool Me, You've Just Twisted The Figure, The Answer Is 6."



****************************************

Dad: Why Didn't You Go For The Exam? Son: Paper Was

Dad: "Why Didn't You Go For The Exam?"

Son: "Paper Was Tough"

Dad: "Without Going, How Did You Know?"

Son: "Paper Was Leaked Two Days Ago"



********************************************

Teacher To Student: What Is Hyper Active Possessive

Teacher To Student: "What Is Hyper Active Possessive Definition Of Circulated Motion"

Student: "Zimbalakadi Takada Bamba Huchalu"

Teacher: "I Did Not Understand What You Said"

Student: "Same Here, Mam"



******************************************************

Banta Asked To Santa. Banta: When You Kiss Your

Banta Asked To Santa.

Banta: "When You Kiss Your Wife?"

Santa: "I Kiss My Wife Before I Go To Office Every Day And You?"

Banta: "I Kiss Your Wife After You Go To Office Everyday"

Santa: "Ha Ha Ha, I Am First"




*********************************************************

A police officer stops a car. Officer: Your driving license

A police officer stops a car.

Officer: "Your driving license please."

Driver: "I'm really sorry, I forgot."

Officer: "At home?"

Driver: "No, to do it."




************************************************

Man: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah

Man: Hi, do you want to dance?

Woman: Yeah, sure!

Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!




**************************************************

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor.

The doctor asks, "Do you share the same blood group?"

The husband replies, "We must by now. She's been sucking my blood for years."

A boy asked his father, Dad, how much

A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father grimly replied, "I wouldn't know son, I'm still not done paying for it."


*****************************************

Son: I am not able to go to school today. Father: what

Son: I am not able to go to school today.

Father: what happened?

Son: I am not feeling well

Father: Where you are not feeling well?

Son: In school!



**************************************************

A man was summoned to his attorney's office. Lawyer- Do you

A man was summoned to his attorney's office.

Lawyer- "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

Man- "Give me the bad news first."

Lawyer- "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

Man- "That's the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

Lawyer- The terrible news is...

"The picture is of you and your secretary!"



***********************************************

Man To Super Hot Air-Hostess: What Is Your

Man To Super Hot Air-Hostess: "What Is Your Name?"

Air-Hostess:"Eva Benz!"

Man:"Wow, Lovely Name, Any Relation With Mercedes Benz?"

Air-Hostess Replied Smiling: "Yes, Same Price!!"


.....................................

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Santa Calls The Help Desk To Complain About

Santa Calls The Help Desk To Complain About Computer Problem.

Santa: "When I Type Computer Password,

It Just Shows Star Star Star Star, What Is That Joke?"

Help Desk: "Dear, Those Stars Are To Protect You,

So That If A Person Standing Behind, He Can't Read Your Password"

Santa: "Yeah Okay, But Stars Appear Even When There Is No One Standing Behind Me"



*********************************************

Maths Madam To Pappu: If You Have 12 Chocolates

Maths Madam To Pappu: "If You Have 12 Chocolates And

You Give 5 To Leena,

3 To Teena And 4 To Meena,

Then What Will You Get?"

Pappu: "3 New Girl Friends"



***************************************************

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful life, as compared to men?

A very intelligent student replied to:

"Because Women don't have a wife!"





******************************************************

I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: Hi Babe I'm At

Example Of A Clever & Smart Husband

I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: "Hi Babe I'm At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return."

I Sent Another Text: "Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I'm Getting You A New Car"

She Text Back In One Second: "OMG Really?"

I Replied: "No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message."



**************************************************

Two Guys Coming Out Of The Examination Hall With

Two Guys Coming Out Of The Examination Hall With Chips And Coke In Hand.

1st Guy: "Which Paper Was It?"

2nd Guy: "I Think, Math"

1st Guy: "Surprisingly, You Read The Question Paper?"

2nd Guy: "No, I Saw The Girl Sitting Besides Me Using Calculator"




****************************************************

A Little Girl Asked Her Mother: How Did The Human Race

A Little Girl Asked Her Mother: "How Did The Human Race Start?"

The Mother Answered: "God Made Adam And Eve And They Had Children, And So All Mankind Was Made"

Two Days Later The Girl Asked Her Father The Same Question.

The Father Answered: "Many Years Ago There Were Monkeys From Which The Human Race Evolved"

The Confused Girl Returned To Her Mother And Said: "Mom, How Is It Possible That You Told Me The Human Race Was Created By God, And Dad Said They Developed From Monkeys?"

The Mother Answered: "Well Dear, It Is Very Simple. I Told You About My Side Of The Family, And Your Father Told You About His"



************************************************************

A Soldier Rushes To His Captain & Says: One Enemy

A Soldier Rushes To His Captain & Says: "One Enemy Ship Is Approaching Us"

Captain Replies "David, Go Bring My Red Shirt"

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: "Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?"

Captain Replies: "If I Got Injured Then My Blood Shouldn't Be Seen As I Don't Want My Soldiers To Lose Hope"

Suddenly The Soldier Replied: "Sir, 20 Enemy Ships Are Coming"

Captain Replied: "David, Go And Bring My Yellow Trouser"



******************************************************************

Boy: Can I Hold Your Hand? Girl: No Boy:

Boy: "Can I Hold Your Hand?"

Girl: "No"

Boy: "Why?"

Girl: "Because It Hurts When You Leave It"

Boy (In His Mind): "Oh My God, I Am Acting But She Is Overacting"



**********************************************************

Santa Traveling First Time In Plane Going To Bombay

Santa Traveling First Time In Plane Going To Bombay,

While Landing, He Shouted: "Bombay-Bombay"

Air Hostess: "B-Silent Please"

Santa Said: "Omay - Omay"



********************************************

What Is The Best Punishment For A Girl? Give Her

What Is The Best Punishment For A Girl?

Give Her New Clothes, Matching Jewellry And Nice Cosmetics

And Then Lock Her In A Room Without A Mirror.

What Is The Best Punishment For A Boy?

Give Him A Mobile With A Lot Of Girl's Phone Numbers,

And Unlimited Credit & Put Him In A Place Where There's No Network.





****************************************************

In Viva, Lecturer: Shall I Ask You Ten Easy Questions Or

In Viva, Lecturer: "Shall I Ask You Ten Easy Questions Or One Tough One?"

Student: "Ask Me Tough One"

Lecturer: "What Comes First, Day Or Night?"

Student: "Day"

Lecturer: "How Can You Exactly Say That?"

Student: "Sorry Sir, You Said You'll Ask Only One Question"

Moral: If Not Intelligent, Be Smart.



*************************************************

Teacher: If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And

Teacher: "If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?"

Pappu: "Seven Sir"

Teacher: "No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?"

Pappu: "Seven"

Teacher: "Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?"

Pappu: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?"

Pappu: "Seven!!!"

Very Angry Teacher: "Where Do You Get Seven From?"

Very Angry Pappu: "Because I Already Have One At Home"



***********************************************

A Junior In An Office Dialed His Boss Number By Mistake And Said

A Junior In An Office Dialed His Boss Number By Mistake And Said

"Send Me A Coffee To My Desk In 2 Minutes"

Boss Shouted: "Do You Know Who You Are Talking To?"

Junior: "No"

Boss: "I Am The Boss Of This Office"

Junior In The Same Tone: "Do You Know Who You Are Talking To?"

Boss: "No"

Junior: "Thank God"

And Disconnected The Phone.


*****************************************

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me..." Wish granted.



**********************************

Man: Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 year? Doctor: Do you

Man: Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 year?

Doctor: Do you smoke?

Man: No.

Doctor: Do you eat too much?

Man: No.

Doctor: Do you go to bed late?

Man: No.

Doctor: Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?

Man: No.

Doctor: Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?


*********************************************

I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call

Guest at a restaurant: "I refuse to eat this roastbeef.

Please call the manager!"

Waiter: "That's no use. He wont eat it either."



***************************************************

A man went to his lawyer and told him, My neighbor

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"


*************************************************

Boy: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me And Sent Me

Boy: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me And Sent Me Pics Of Her With Her New Boyfriend.

Friend: Really Bad, What Did You Do?

Boy: I Sent Those Pics To Her Dad.


*****************************************************

Doctor: Have You Ever Fainted Before?

Doctor: Have You Ever Fainted Before?

Patient: Yes, The Last Time You Told

Me Your Fees.


*******************************************

A boy met a girl in Metro. Girl: Every time you smile, I feel

A boy met a girl in Metro.

Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.

Boy: Awwww... Are you single?

Girl: No, I am a Dentist!


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Management student kisses a girl. Girl-whats this?

Management student kisses a girl. Girl-whats this? Boy- its called DIRECT MARKETING. Girl slaps d boy Boy-what is this? Girl- this ...