Tit for Tat

Wife : What is 10 years with me?
Husband : A second.

Wife : What is $1000 for me?
Husband : A coin.

Wife : Ok give me a coin.
Husband : Wait a second

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Mother Vs Son

Mother : Kyo ro rahe ho?

Son : Dad ne muje KISS nihi kiya..

Mother : Tumne Tables nahi sunaye honge

Son : Kaam wali AUNTY ko kuan se tables aate hain!


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Funny Interview session

In a Job Interview:

Officer : What is your name?
Manoj : M.P. sir

Officer : In full please
Manoj : Manoj Pandey

Officer : Your father's name?
Manoj : M.P. sir

Officer : What does that mean?
Manoj : Madan Pandey

Officer : Your native place?
Manoj : M.P. sir

Officer : What's that?
Manoj : Manipur Province

Officer : What is your qualification?
Manoj : M.P. sir

Officer : (Getting Angry) What is that?!!!
Manoj : Matriculation Pass

Officer : So why do you need a job?
Manoj : It is because of M.P. sir

Officer : Meaning?
Manoj : Money Problem

Officer : Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?
Manoj : M.P. sir

Officer : And what is that?
Manoj : Marvelous Personality sir

Officer : I see... I will get back to you.
Manoj : Sir, how was M.P. sir?

Officer : And what's that again?
Manoj : My Performance

Officer : I think you have M.P.
Manoj : Meaning?

Officer : Mental Problem!!!


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Innocent Pappu

Preeto caught her husband Pappu searching high and low all around his living room.

Preeto : 'What are you searching for?'

Pappu : 'Hidden cameras!'

Preeto : 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'

Pappu : 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'


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Causes of Depression for Men & Women

MEN's Depression
•  Business Slow Chal raha hai..
•  Payment Time pe nahin aa rahi hai..
•  Telephone/Light ka bill bharna hai..
•  Gharwali ko Anniversary pe Gold leke dena hai..
•  Family ki baaki demands bhi poori karni hai...

WOMEN's Depression
•  Tailor se dress mangwana hai..
•  TV pe jo Loreal ki nayi Lipstick dikhayi hai, Aaj sham Market mein Uski enquiry karni hai..
•  Mall mein 50% Off Sale lagi hui hai, shopping ko jana hai..
•  Nanad se phone pe baat karni hai..
•  Tupperware wali ko aaj ghar pe bulana hai..
•  Bete ki result aaya hai(46%), kaamwali bai ke liye ek kilo mix mithai mangani hai..
•  Raat ko baahar se kya mangaoon khane ke liye..
•  Ye mobile ki battery bhi jaldi jaldi down ho jaati hai, main kisi se zyada baat bhi nahin karti..
•  Yeh Landline ka bill 2560/- kyun aaya hoga?
•  Kal mandir kya pehen ke jaoongi?
•  Profile Pic. change kiye 15 minute ho gaye hain.....abhi tak ek bhi like ya comment kyun nahi aaya hai..


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Innocent Gajodar

Gajodar was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Gajodar is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

Gajodar replied, "Don't worry officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"


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Difference between Welding and Wedding

An Engineer was asked: " What is the Technical Difference between Welding and Wedding ...."

He replied:
" Not much; both are joints, in a way......."
In Welding there are sparks first and bonding forever;
whereas in Wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever


...................

Doctor Vs Patient

Doctor: Why did you take your Antibiotic Medicine at 6 AM, when I told you at 9 AM..???

Patient: I wanted to surprise the bacteria by surgical strike.

........................

Hasty Wife...

Wife came home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

She saw Four Legs under the Blanket instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she saw her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says,

"Your Parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom."

Hope you have said hello to them....!!!!


...........................................

Enough about Wives, now something for Husbands...

A new metal is added to chemistry:
Name: Husband
Symbol: Hb
Atomic Weight: Light when first found, tends to get heavier over the years with time.

Physical Properties:
Boils at any time with inlaws.
Can freeze in front of his own family.
Melts if sees other women.
Very Bitter if questioned.

Chemical Properties:
Very Reactive
Highly Unstable
Possess Strong resistance to Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards & Cheque books.
Money saving Agent.

Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the TV.

.............................

Abbreviations by Husband

Wife : "How would you describe me?"
Husband : "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife : "What does that mean?"
Husband : "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife : "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband : "I'm just kidding!"


...............................................

Student's funny replies in Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Student         : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Student         : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up
Student         : Bad.... Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Student         : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Student         : Insufficient! Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
Student         : Clever! Don't take my seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Student         : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Student         : You appoint me

...............

Hillarious comedy by Frustrated Husband

Frustrated Husband.

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

................................

Funny replies by Farmer in TV Interview

Anchor : What food do you serve to your goat?

Farmer : to white one or to black one?

Anchor : to white one

Farmer : Grass...

Anchor : And to black one?

Farmer : Grass for that one too...

Anchor : where do you tie them?

Farmer : to white one or to black one?

Anchor : to white one

Farmer : in the room outside

Anchor : And the black one?

Farmer : in the same room outside

Anchor : And bathing?

Farmer : to white one or to black one?

Anchor : Black one...

Farmer : with water

Anchor : And to white one?

Farmer : With water for that one too...

Anchor : angrily,Idiot, while you do same stuff for both of them, why are you asking white or black each time?

Farmer : because the white one is mine..

Anchor : And the black one?

Farmer : it's also mine!

.................................

Hospital Joke

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor.

"The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"

Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

........................................

Family Joke

The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced: " Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what is his daughter gave him and said:

"My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"

The whole audience burst into laughter.......
Except the Groom...........

..................

Dear Girls..Dont be smart everytime..

Boy : Wow Itna bada Ghar hai?
Girl : Haa Hum paise waale hai
Boy : Wow itni badi Car
Girl : Ha...hum paise waale hai
Boy : Oh my God...Itna Gold bhi hai aapke pass
Girl : Ha...hum paise waale hai
Boy : Ye le lo letter
Girl : What is this???
Boy : Hum Income Tax Wale hai
Girl : Fainted down...

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Killer Joke

The Students of MBBS were attending Their 1st Anatomy Class,
They all Gathered around the Surgery Table with a Real Dead Dog,
The Professor put His Finger in Dog's nose & Taste it in His own Mouth, Then He asked the Students to do the Same...
The students Hesitated for several Minutes.
But atlast EveryOne inserted their Finger in Dog's nose & Taste it,
After everyone has finished, The Professor looked at them & said: "The most important Quality is 'Observation'"
I inserted my MIDDLE Finger But Tasted the FIRST Finger, Today you just Learn "How to Pay Attention"
All Students shouted....haramkhor kamina.......saala kutta


......................

Find the difficulty in convincing the female

If u can convince a female in less than 5 minutes then she is your mom.
If u can convince a female in 15 minutes then she is your sister.
If u can convince a female in 30 minutes then she is your daughter.
If u can convince a female in 1 hour then she is your girl friend.
If u can convince a female in 3 hour then she is your lover.
And ultimately If u can't or don't even get a chance to convince a female then she is your ???????
..
..
Yes Yes.... You are correct!!!!!!

........................

Wife's Counter at Husband

A couple went to an Art Gallery.
There was a picture of a girl covered only by leaves..
Typical Husband was staring at the picture..
.
.
Wife: Ghar abhi chaloge, ya hawa aane tak rukoge!!??

........................

Pappu is getting smarter in the Classroom

In the class the teacher said: "The first person to answer my question will go home early today".

Pappu threw his Bag outside.

Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"

Pappu Answered: "It's mine...." Bye Bye!

Pappu is getting smarter day by day

.........................

Girls will create everything after Marriage

Girl to Fiancee: "When we're married I want to share all your troubles and worries."

Fiancee: 'But I don't have any troubles and worries.'

Girl: 'I know, but we're not married yet.'

......................

Pappu and Accident

At the scene of an accident a man was crying... Oh God...!! I have lost my hand, oh...!!!

Pappu : Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man.
He has lost his head. Is he crying...???

............................

Crazy Husband

In Heaven, God told all Husbands & Wives to gather for a Meeting!

He told the men to stand in two Queues

1) Those who are controlled by their wives
2) Those who control their Wives

Only 1 man stood in the second Queue..

God said, "So you control your wife?"

Man : "R U Crazy??? My Wife told me to stand here "


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Question and Answer

A Student who got 0 Marks, was surprised because his all answers were seemingly correct!


Q.1 : In which battle did Tippu Sultan die?
Ans : In his last Battle

Q.2 : Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
Ans : At the bottom of the page..

Q.3 : What is the main reason for Divorce?
Ans : Marriage..

Q.4 : River Ganga flows in which state?
Ans : Liquid state...

Q.5 : When was Mahatma Gandhi born?
Ans : On his Birthday..

Q.6 : How will you distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 people?
Ans : By preparing Mango shake...

Q.7 : India me saal bhar sabse zyada baraf kaha girthi hai?
Ans : Daaru ke Glass me..

Q.8 : Why Hindu Law do not permit Second Marriage?
Ans : Indian Constitution - Article 20(2) says, "No man can be punished twice for the same offence"

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Dont be oversmart everywhere...

God to Boy : What Do You Want ?

Boy : A Very Beautiful Girl

God :
          If You are Muslim I Will give You Katrina Kaif
          If You Are Hindu then I will give You Kareena
          If You Are Christian then I will Give You Genelia

God : Son, What is Your Name

Boy : Abdul Ramesh Farnedis

God : Rakhi Sawant de Saale ko Zyada Over Smart ban Raha hai..


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Heights of Facebook Status Updates

Madam : Useless Bai!!!....     Why didn't you come last week? And that too without informing me??? How dare are you???

 Worker : Oy Madam...I had updated my Facebook status as "Will be out of Town for a week..." and Sir will know that and also He commented "Come soon yar....Miss you"

...........................

Dont play jokes with Wife...

One day Couple Had A Fight before going to Bed....

Husband Says :
"Good Night Old Mother of SIX Kids"

Wife Replied:
"Okay, Good Night Father of None...." 

Beware of calls from unknown number

A man got a call from unknown number..

Girl: Hi, wish u very happy Valentine's day...are you single?

Man: Yes...Yes who are you?

Girl: Your wife! Aaj ghar aa...phir batati hu..


couple of hours , He gets Another call from unknown number


Girl: Are you married?

Man: Yes, but who are you?

Girl: Your girlfriend, you fraud...you cheat.

Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife..

Ans: Wife hi hoon kamine, aaj tu bas ghar aaja...

Sad Story Of A Man

Today is My Birthday.. My Parents, Wife and Kids also didn't wish me...

I went to work, Even My Colleagues also didn't wish..

As I entered my Cabin, My Secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss"

I felt special and She asked me for Lunch..

After lunch, she invited me to her Apartment, we went there

She said, "Do u mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

Okay, I said..

She came out after 5 Minutes with a Cake and My Wife, Parents, Kids, Friends and Colleagues screaming , SURPRISE.....

And I was waiting on the Sofa NAKED....

Aajkal Pappu chatur ban gaya

Ek Din Pappu ne Mirror Dekh ke Sochne Laga

Isko Kahi Dekha Hai!

Thodi Time Sochne ke Badh

    "Ohh Theri"

Yeh Toh Wali Hai...

Jo Mere Saath Uss Din BAAL Katwa Raha Tha...!

Married Person Wish for God...

God : I very much impressed with your prayers and Grant you one Wish...You can ask now.

Man : We want the Road line from India to America.

God : Its impossible to laying the Road over the countries and Oceans. So, U can go for another Wish

Man : Okay then, Please make my Wife to accept all of my words.

God : Oh, U want One-Way or Two-way Road line from India - America

................

Pappu's Marriage

One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class.

Professor : What kind of Wife would you like Pappu?

Pappu     : I would want a wife like the moon.

Professor : Wow !!! What a choice... So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon?

Pappu     : No, no...

Professor : Oh, so you want her to be Round and white?

Pappu     : No, no...

Professor : Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like the moon?

Pappu     : No, no... I want her to be Exactly like The MOON. Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning.

Professor fainted...

Slapping Reply to Girl Friend

Ladki : Jaanu, personal aur secret me kya difference hai...?

Ladka : Tum meri girlfriend ho yeh personal hai, aur tumhari behen bhi meri girlfriend hai, yeh secret hai...

Hilarious reply from Student in the Class

Teacher : Who was Akbar?

Student : Akbar was Gay.

Teacher : What, are you mad? why did you say that?

Student : We have heard Lalia-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet but only Akbar-Birbal!

Teacher fainted...!!! 

Height of Currency Exchange Issue

Ramu got a call from HR consultant.

She asked, are you looking for change?

Ramu said: Yes....Rs.2000

He don't know why she disconnected the call.


...................

Vegetarian Vs Non Vegetarian

Vegetarian looked at Burger and said:
    You know, a Sheep died so you could have that Burger.

Non vegetarian looked her Salad and said :
     Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!


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Classroom

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

..........

Police Or Ambulance

Wife: "Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the Cake I made."

Husband: "Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance?"

..........

Pappu ka Medicine Prescription

Pappu comes home from his Doctor and, though usually quite active with his children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day.

His wife notices him avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.

Immediately Pappu whisks his Medicine Prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his Wife and said, "Read that label. That's why!"

Wife takes the bottle and reads, "Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."


....

Driving with Wife

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."

The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."

"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"

"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"

"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!"

"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

"No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

.......

Girl shows talent in Blood Test

Girl: I checked yesterday that I don't have any iron in my body.

Boy: How did you check?

Girl: I checked with a Magnet, it was not sticking to me...

Boy fainted down...

Why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain ?

A man has a headache and goes to see the doctor.
The doctor says "I have bad news and good news. "

The bad new is that you have a Brain tumor And the good news is that we can do a Brain transplant

We have just admitted a couple who was in a car accident. We can get you one of their brains. The male brain will cost your insurance company Rs.5,00,000, and the female brain will cost Rs.1,00,000."

The man says "I hate to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain?"

The doctor replies "Because the male brain has never been used."

................

Husband & Wife Fight

Husband: Yesterday A girl had came in my dreams! Wow what a lovely girl she was!

Wife: She had come alone..

Husband: How do you know?

Wife: Her Husband came in my dreams!

Moral: Wife can give best answers to Husband!

.......

Wife can give best answers to Husband!

Husband and wife had quarreled for a while. After cool down period wife came back to husband in the morning and asked, "Honey what are you doing?"

Husband tried to hide the document in hand and mumbled, "Nothing!"

Wife took on again, "Nothing what? I have been seeing you are reading our Marriage certificate for whole night, even with magnifying glass, upside down, backside front, intense lamplight. What's the sickness with your brain?"

Dejected Husband said, "Nothing, I was just looking for the expiry date."

.....